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....Time 2006 Man of the Year :>ahem.. Baby Needs Attention...
2007-03-03
There's a reason the sage admonishes us to never say "never" and in my case, that it's not wise to tell your readership that you plan to "post here regularly" and then - poof - disappear out of sight! (Hmmm, maybe someone has invented an Instant Repeller device..?)
I won't bore you with lame*ss excuses like I caught my hand in the kitchen Dis-Posal unit, or I was hoisted on my own petard - hard.ly! Nothing as dramatic as that, really.
It was just a run-of-the-mill happenstance not worthy of accolades or a parade*. A dumb thing, really. Although I got an 8.5 from bystanders. I'm sure you've seen it a half-dozen times by now.
All right then, without further ado. You know that TV commercial where the guy in the boat smashes into the dock while a couple is sitting in their comfy home talking about insurance - and he's catapulted out of camera range? Well, I'm that guy......and what they don't tell you is that one of my safety lines was severed and I actually flew 1001 feet through the air...and it was amazing the pine trees didn't stop me as I sliced through them as I approached landing. I had my wheels down...heh heh...the ones that wrapped around my ankles as I was dragged through some backyard with a kid's tricycle smack dap in the middle of my runway....heh heh...except my wheels feet never actually touched ground for another 606 feet...until the co-producer saw me in his rearview mirror coming at him like a bullet as he was driving away from the set. I got close enough to the car to see (I'm a bullet, remember?) his horrified look in the rearview mirror looking at me looking horrified - when - at the same time - we realized my other safety line was hooked to the car's back bumper! Thank G_d, he reacted quickly and slammed on his brakes, preventing me from slicing through the car, back to front, deer-gutting through both windshields allowing me to whizz and wing up and over up and over up and finally over the (not quite) tops of those same @%^#$& pine trees which branches seemed to grab me like arms until I slowed down enough to finally settle on a branch where frozen in disbelief spitting pine needles out my mouth (and I think my nose) to a place where I actually started to breath again. And, wouldn't you know it, at the end of my first sigh the branch broke off and I fell 20 feet to the ground. At the end of my second sigh, I woke up in the hospital. And I just have to tell you this one thing - DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! I'm an experienced stunt man, and obviously, you aren't, and could get hurt.
The above is all a lie. No, really. But I can tell you it's alot more colorful than any lame*ss excuse I could come up with! So please cut me some slack, y'all? 
*A Get-Well card would be nice.
**A request granted.
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